Changed, Unchanged
by ficdirectory
Summary: Derek comes back after 2x12, and deals with everyone's reactions.


_Love is not consolation. It is light. _- Friedrich Nietzsche

Derek walks into the BAU feeling tense, raw and tired after reliving the worst part of his life. He has done that, and attended the wake and burial of a child. In addition he has finally figured out how to properly acknowledge the other children, anonymous children, who died needlessly. He has stayed around extra, to be sure that a young man is getting the help he needs.

He is glad that until now, he hasn't needed to face anyone. He hasn't needed to take the looks on the jet. He isn't ready for this. So he is glad he's had some time to just be alone.

But the time for that's over now. Now he has to face them. He has to deal with them knowing what he never wanted them to know. Even though, logically, he knows it's not his fault, he still feels the shame. He tries to hide it, but he's had enough of hiding.

* * *

><p>Derek finds Gideon in his office. He offers a simple, "Good to have you back," and Derek can see the sadness in his eyes. At the corners of his mouth. It's not quite pity, but it's too damn close for Derek's liking.<p>

* * *

><p>"Derek, if you need to take some time, I understand…" Hotch trails off and there is no doubt. He is uncomfortable.<p>

"Are you firing me?" Derek asks, not flinching.

"No, of course not, but if you need some time to…deal with things… I'm saying, I would understand. I'm willing to give you that leeway."

The impact of his words stuns Derek and bitterness sets in before reason. "Just because you _know_ what happened to me? That doesn't mean this is new for me. I've been dealing with this for more than half my damn life, Hotch. I did my job before and I can do it now." He starts to walk away and then turns back, the words burning inside so he has to speak them. "And just for the record? There's no way in hell you understand."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Morgan!" Reid says, a smile on his face that is the complete opposite of what Derek's feeling.<p>

"Hey, what?" he snaps, eyes dark.

"Glad you're back. I met your mom and your sisters. They even let me have some of your mom's birthday cake…and your sister knows who I am. She says you talk about me." Reid seems thrilled by this, and Derek can't figure out why. It dawns on him, though, what Reid was likely doing there, and it makes him sick.

"So?" he asks, defensive.

"So, it's cool. My mom knows about you, too…" he trails off when Derek keeps walking.

It's the first and last time any of his team will be in his mother's house.

* * *

><p>Emily ignores him, and Derek thinks it that just might be the best reaction anyone can give him right now. She keeps busy with whatever she's doing at her desk, and barely glances his way. She takes out the bag of gourmet jellybeans from her desk drawer and pops one in her mouth.<p>

Last week, she would have offered, no question. This week? Nothing.

* * *

><p>Derek makes quick work of all the little errands he has to do and tries his hardest to avoid people. It's just like he thought. They all know his secret. And even if they don't know it, they've been in his family's house, digging through his life.<p>

"Hey. Derek…" JJ says, and he has to take a deep breath so he doesn't take her head off.

"What's up?" he asks easily, forcing himself to meet her gaze. Just like that, he wishes he hasn't. Concern shines in her eyes. She is serious.

"I just want you to know I'm sorry…" she says earnestly. "For what he did to you. It's not your fault," she says and reaches out to touch his arm.

He jerks back, eyes flashing. "How the hell do you know what he did to me?" Derek growls lowly. "Just stay out of it, JJ… You don't know what the hell you're talkin' about…"

* * *

><p>Garcia is the only one he hasn't seen. She is the one he both wants to see and fears seeing the most. Because she's a friend, and they get each other. But what if she knows, too? How could she <em>not<em> know? The thought scares him to death.

In the end, he waits for her, lingering in the doorway of her little dungeon room. Because he _has _to know. It's that simple. So, he waits. He watches her shut down the million screens. Pick up her koosh balls and pens and put each in its rightful place.

When she sees him, she fumbles, knocking over a mug that looks like a dance shoe. But it's something so uniquely her that he finds it doesn't bother him. She would have done this before, too.

Derek wants to, but he finds he can't smile. He can't move. He very nearly can't breathe. He is so freaked out by Garcia's reaction to this.

She leaves the mug behind, doesn't even look twice at it. And then, she walks to him and wraps her arms around him.

He is stiff in her embrace, but she is relaxed. She is holding on. She - thank God - isn't saying anything at all.

So, he speaks first:

"Do you know?"

She shakes her head against his chest, and he takes her at arm's length. Everybody else figured it out. But Garcia wasn't with everybody else, and there wasn't a file on this, because he had never spoken up.

"So, if you don't know… What's with the hug, then?"

"Because…" she says quietly, sounding close to tears. "_Something _happened, and even if I never know what it is…it doesn't matter. You're still you, Derek. No matter what."

Because he's feeling testy, he spits it out. Tells her the truth. "I was molested as a kid, by the bastard who killed those boys…" He stares at her, waiting for the disgust, the horror, the curiosity, the dismissal.

It affects her. Everything affects Garcia, but she just wraps her arms around him a second time, and holds on tighter.

"No matter what," she whispers like a promise.


End file.
